Pearl of the Stars

I haven't written in a while...life has been crazy lately. Work is work, which is normal, and has its own varying degrees of "crazy", but no matter...all is still normal, until today.

Today, I get an email basically telling me that at some point, no information as to when, but that at SOME POINT my position will be "decommissioned". Excuse me? What did you just say? Because I thought we were DONE with "realignments"? So, now, 6 months after you've all said we're done with letting people go, NOW you're telling me that I get to START worrying, for real? Well, isn't this fabulous!

Now, I know I'm not the only one that's had/having to deal with this sort of thing, clearly, but wtf? Now that my house costs more, my car costs more, gas costs more, both kids are going to need braces, my husbands work won't offer full time to anyone right now because there's an "18 month waiting list for full-time" - And I was actually having a good day! *sigh*

Is it too much to ask to keep my job long enough to finish school!? So I can feed my kids? This sucks...I hate this. I will feel better tomorrow, but I just want to give myself a short amount of time to really feel like crap about this. To soak it all in.

Then my office manager follows it with "at least you know Katherine* and Josh** will have your best interest in mind." Please note: Office manager is neither Katherine or Josh...so basically...let me know that said Office manager DOES NOT have my best interest in mind?? Really?? Thanks. Anything else I can do for you Office Manager? No really, I don't mind...anything at all! *smiles and nods* Sure I can come to your office to look at a photo of someone who works here, since you can't REMEMBER WHO THEY ARE, no, I don't mind at all...I think it's perfectly normal that you can't remember his name even though he's worked here for 2 years. REALLY!?

Whatever...it's almost 5 pm and then I'm going home, hugging the crap out of my kids, then reading quietly to myself after they go to bed.

Trail Gazing

I can't believe my friends are gone...even though we hadn't talked much.
Still I figured I'd see them again, since they'd been around for so long.

My friends are dying...I'm only 29...
How can this be?


T/A/R/db -
I'm still in shock, even though I'm not surprised...

I hope you're not in pain anymore.
I'm sorry that you're going to miss out on so much.
I hate that you did this to yourself, your family, your kids.
It's so hard for me to understand why you couldn't just stop.

Thank you for the memories.
The songs, the poems, the art, the conversations, the hugs, and the love.
Thank you for being there for my sister when she needed you.
Thank you for being her someone for so long.
Thank you for showing her she deserves love...I tried...failed...because she needed it from you.



A.J. -
You were supposed to come back...you didn't.
You were supposed to call...you didn't.
You were supposed to live long...you didn't.

I miss your face, your kindness, thoughtfulness...the random phone calls apologizing for not calling.
Talking to you while you were driving - I'm glad you didn't call that night.
I didn't hear it...
I'm sorry we didn't get to do more
talk more
see more
be more.


I miss you.