Pearl of the Stars

I haven't written in a while...life has been crazy lately. Work is work, which is normal, and has its own varying degrees of "crazy", but no matter...all is still normal, until today.

Today, I get an email basically telling me that at some point, no information as to when, but that at SOME POINT my position will be "decommissioned". Excuse me? What did you just say? Because I thought we were DONE with "realignments"? So, now, 6 months after you've all said we're done with letting people go, NOW you're telling me that I get to START worrying, for real? Well, isn't this fabulous!

Now, I know I'm not the only one that's had/having to deal with this sort of thing, clearly, but wtf? Now that my house costs more, my car costs more, gas costs more, both kids are going to need braces, my husbands work won't offer full time to anyone right now because there's an "18 month waiting list for full-time" - And I was actually having a good day! *sigh*

Is it too much to ask to keep my job long enough to finish school!? So I can feed my kids? This sucks...I hate this. I will feel better tomorrow, but I just want to give myself a short amount of time to really feel like crap about this. To soak it all in.

Then my office manager follows it with "at least you know Katherine* and Josh** will have your best interest in mind." Please note: Office manager is neither Katherine or Josh...so basically...let me know that said Office manager DOES NOT have my best interest in mind?? Really?? Thanks. Anything else I can do for you Office Manager? No really, I don't mind...anything at all! *smiles and nods* Sure I can come to your office to look at a photo of someone who works here, since you can't REMEMBER WHO THEY ARE, no, I don't mind at all...I think it's perfectly normal that you can't remember his name even though he's worked here for 2 years. REALLY!?

Whatever...it's almost 5 pm and then I'm going home, hugging the crap out of my kids, then reading quietly to myself after they go to bed.

Trail Gazing

I can't believe my friends are gone...even though we hadn't talked much.
Still I figured I'd see them again, since they'd been around for so long.

My friends are dying...I'm only 29...
How can this be?


T/A/R/db -
I'm still in shock, even though I'm not surprised...

I hope you're not in pain anymore.
I'm sorry that you're going to miss out on so much.
I hate that you did this to yourself, your family, your kids.
It's so hard for me to understand why you couldn't just stop.

Thank you for the memories.
The songs, the poems, the art, the conversations, the hugs, and the love.
Thank you for being there for my sister when she needed you.
Thank you for being her someone for so long.
Thank you for showing her she deserves love...I tried...failed...because she needed it from you.



A.J. -
You were supposed to come back...you didn't.
You were supposed to call...you didn't.
You were supposed to live long...you didn't.

I miss your face, your kindness, thoughtfulness...the random phone calls apologizing for not calling.
Talking to you while you were driving - I'm glad you didn't call that night.
I didn't hear it...
I'm sorry we didn't get to do more
talk more
see more
be more.


I miss you.

Sometimes...

Sometimes I just want to break down and cry
Sometimes I want to lay down and die
Sometimes I wish I’d led a different life
Sometimes I wish I wasn’t full of fright

Sometimes I wish I could appreciate all I have
Sometimes I wish I didn’t make people feel so bad
Sometimes I wish I’d been given a personal guide
Sometimes I wish I didn’t want to hide.

Sometimes I know things will be ok
Sometimes I just want to have a good day

Sometimes I wish I could listen better
Sometimes I miss getting letters

Sometimes I feel like I’ve lost myself
Sometimes I need to NOT ask for help

Sometimes I feel a total mess…
But most the time I feel really blessed.

Today Sucks

Let me count the ways...*going with bullets instead of numbers, can't stomach the idea of knowing just how many things suck, today, alone*

• I have gone almost all week without a decent lunch, mostly due to the fact that I am the type of Mom that goes without eating in order to make sure there's enough turkey for her childrens' lunches.


• I'm exhausted. For the past like 4 nights I have tossed and turned all night. Not to mention the fact that 3 out of those 4 nights one of my two children has found their way into my bed. 2 out of those 3 nights was the same child (thing #2)...in fact, 2 nights in a row that were filled with elbows in the shoulders/neck area...getting head-butted by a giant head or a knee in the lower back. 1 blissful night in my bed alone without injury, then last night thing #1 creeped in. At least she doesn't cause my body pain...


• Time changes. I normally do not have any ill-will towards time changes; however, for the past 6 months they have put a major cramp in my daily routine. Now, while I fully own up tot he fact that the time changes themselves have not caused me harm directly, but it's the fact that my person...MY PERSON (a.k.a. my ex-husband with whom I'm reconciling with and am in a committed, long distance, relationship with right now) lives across the damn country and is 3 hours later than me. Normally, who cares, no big deal, we adjust, that's easy. However, said persons job makes them go into work at the exact moment I get out of work...*sigh* This is annoying...repeatedly. I am counting down the weeks until he's here and I do not have this problem anymore.


• April 15th. (I know most of you will agree with me on this, but for different reasons) I HATE April 15th. First because I myself have filed my taxes and have already received my refund, 2 months ago! Secondly, because I work in a public accounting firm...in the records room. Do you have any idea how many files get returned/turned in after April 15th!? A LOT! I couldn't see who was walking past my office yesterday because there were files stacked so high.


• Mother Nature. Every 21 days that bitch has to cause some shit (isn't it always when you're without the necessary tools, if you will, that one is required to have during such a time, or when you can't find a dang quarter so you can buy said "tool" in the ladies room). All I can think about is how much my back hurts, the cramps in my stomach, the ridiculous amount of chocolate that I want to consume, and the fact that my aggravation levels skyrocket for 4-7 days.


• Technology, or limited technology rather. I went to put gas in my car this morning, when I was already running a few mins late, and the stupid card reader was giving me shit. I'm all *slide card, enter zip code* and it's all "you wanna piece of me!? (a.k.a. please see cashier)" I'm like, "wtf?" So i go see suggested cashier only to discover that I have to tell her how much to set it for. I'm like.."I want to 'fill it up'" She says "well you can max up to $40" I said "it won't take more than $20" she says "I can do it for $20 and then you can come see what's left" I'm like, "i have to come BACK in here!?" Astonished at how she doesn't understand why that's extremely annoying when a) I'm running late; b) doesn't she see I have two children with me!? (agest 5 & 6). Come on lady! I didn't want to come in here in the FIRST place! *sigh*

And please know, that normally, such an experience would not spike my adrenaline, but because everything seems to "come up" at the same time...I am extremely wanting this day to be over.

On a side note - my BFF is signing docs today on buying her very first home, ALL BY HERSELF! Super excited for her and so proud of her. She has accomplished SO much in the past 18 months...which is actually longer than I've known her, but in the 14.5 months that I've known her...she has grown SO much and is such a wonderful human being. I truly am grateful to have her in my life. <3>

Peace Out.

Just Real Quick

I'm new to blogging. I like the concept of blogging and I currently follow blogs by other "authors." My intent is to have another outlet, to connect with people that feel they can relate to me (I have a hard time finding people that I feel I can relate to, so I thought, maybe that's just something that I *think* is factual, but maybe it's because I'm in my own little world?) and to have a place to put my unedited thoughts.

I haven't decided yet if I'm going to use real names vs. fake names for what goes on in my life and stories that I may have to tell, but what I do know is that I very much look forward to expressing myself further - in a way I've never done before, and I hope that maybe people who read this will not be afraid to express themselves too. I want to see things from different perspectives. I want people to say, "uh, I think you're being a little uptight about this." Or whatever the case may be. Either way, I welcome any one's thoughts or their stories.

Everyone has things going on in their lives...I feel like I have a ton going on right now and need a place to dump all my thoughts, and I'm going to bet there will be times when a lot of what I may say won't make sense or may seem random, but that's ok...right?

Ok...here we go...